There are many styles to taking a pregnancy test. Some wait for the line to pop up. I'm more of a "walk away and come back" kind of girl. I came back and couldn't believe it. There were two pink lines on the stick. Pregnant. Then again, confirmed with a digital. It was real.
Our lives had changed on account of pee. And would change again on account of pee (keep reading).
Probably one of the best parts after the positive test is telling your partner. Joe was at the gym, and it took him 4,000 hours to get home. When he FINALLY arrived, I told him I had found the perfect anniversary present for him. I mean, really, no better present than a baby. After convincing him that I don't have a bunch of fake positive pregnancy test laying around, I got to boast in the glow of a happy man.
I went for my first appointment with Doctor Tynes at what we assumed was my 7 week mark based on my LMP (Last Monthly Period for those who don't live and breath these terms). I was so nervous. Is it even in there? Is it developing? Is there a heartbeat?
They pull my uterus up on the screen, you know, prime time TV right there, and we see a tiny black circle.
Mary's Mind: OMG IS IT EMPTY.....WHERE IS IT....I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
Ultrasound Tech: Let me zoom in here (white blob appears)
Mary's Mind: OMG IS THAT IT....IS IT OK....WHERE'S THE HEARTBEAT
(Sound of heartbeat fills the room. The most beautiful sound in the world.)
120 beats per minute measuring 6 weeks. Strong Heart beat. Tylenol only. No Advil. Limit Caffeine. Congratulations.
Fast forward through the next few weeks. Morning sickness. Bloating. Breast tenderness. Fatigue. Frequent urination.
My body didn't know.
It was just a normal Tuesday. I was excited that my husband was home early from work for the first time in months, and we were going out with some friends for dinner. The past few days my nausea had subsided for the majority of the day, and I was happy to get out of the house. I wanted to go to the bathroom before we left.
I was spotting brown. White face. Heart pounding. Something is wrong. Call doctor. Nurse is not concerned (light brown spotting can be normal in early pregnancy), but they always see you anyways. 9 am ultrasound scheduled, then appointment with nurse practitioner. No need to see the doctor. This is all very normal.
Our lives had changed on account of pee.
I don't feel normal. I stopped my Zoloft after the positive pregnancy test. I have no help here, and the anxiety is running rampant. My body doesn't know, but my mind knows.
9 am and we take a 5,000 mile drive to the doctor.
As I lay back, my heart is beating out of my chest. Joe sees and grabs my hand.
My mind knows. My body doesn't know. My heart is about to know.
It hasn't grown. I can see it. I don't need measurements.
"Let me go get the doctor."
There is no heartbeat. Looks like it stopped a couple days after your first ultrasound. I'm so sorry. Doctor Tynes will see you. We will take you straight back.
This is the important part of the post, because this is for people searching the internet for miscarriage experiences with Misoprostol. This is an option you have for missed miscarriages, to tell your body what your mind and heart already know.
I hope you find this post, because the stuff I found was terrifying, and I'm glad I read it after I took it. I had far less physical pain than what the internet said. Everyone is different.
Why did I chose to take the pill over waiting it out naturally or doing a D&C?
I knew right away I didn't want to be put under anesthesia. I wanted my body to know what was going on. Just a personal preference. Every woman has their own reasons for doing what they think is best for them. I chose the pill over natural, because I wanted to speed up the process. They said it could have taken weeks for me to miscarry on my own. Nope. Let's get it done and move on. I wanted my body, mind and heart to understand that the baby is gone, and for it to let it go.
A week ago I had a dream I miscarried. My Mamaw was talking to me. I don't remember what she said, but I woke up sad.. Because of the dream, we named it Sam Bruno Bluhm. Sam Bruno was my great grandfather and my Mamaw kept Bruno in her name even after she married. The name is in memory of her.
We buried the baby in the backyard and planted flowers in memory of our miscarriage.
If you are reading this and experiencing a miscarriage, please don't be afraid to tell people. Somewhere along the way it became taboo. Tell someone close to you, and you will never feel alone. I had my husband, best friend, her baby, and my mom at my house the day I found out. I had calls, texts, and Facebook messages of love. I told my family and friends who knew about the pregnancy. I told Facebook, who didn't know about the pregnancy. I told my dogs, who had no idea what I was saying. Doesn't matter. I told people. Some people won't know how to react, and that's ok. Your body knows. Your mind knows. Your heart knows. Let those you love know.